i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
