im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
