Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
