I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
