i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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