Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
