The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
