so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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