She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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