3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
