How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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