if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
