im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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