Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
