8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
