so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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