My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
