I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
