I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
