I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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