that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I could make wine with my vomit
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
