my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
