I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
