Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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