Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
