The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
