The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
