kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
