apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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