dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think your dad took our porno
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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