These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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