dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
