Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
