a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
