I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
