My liver just broke up with me...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
