I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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