At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think i have two assholes
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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