she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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