all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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