All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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