I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
