So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
