Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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