so that wasnt chicken after all
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
