if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
