Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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