He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We need to rekindle our bromance
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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