and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
