Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
