so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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