she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
