Just fell off a train. Bad.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
