I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
