so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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