I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
