Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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