I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
